


The Complaints

by HinaSaku



Category: Naruto
Genre: Childishness, F/M, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Multi, Sexual Humor, Weirdness, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-26 01:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9855239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HinaSaku/pseuds/HinaSaku
Summary: Konan asks everyone to write complains about each of the akatsuki members so that when she reads them aloud, maybe they'll change(plus Konan needs a laugh once in a while)and everybody will get along better...and boy was she wrong!





	1. Tobi's list

Konan had gathered everyone in the kitchen for a final report for the day. Actually it wasn't even a report but a reading of what the members of the Akatsuki wrote about each other in the complaint boxes located outside the office. Each had each other the member's ring symbol on them. Just in case someone wanted to see who was complaining about them, the boxes were located in the broom closet. Having been bored, she decided to read the notes for their reactions. Of course she was going to avoid names since she was sure the were going to fight if she did and she'd have to find other members for the Akatsuki and explain it to Pain why.

"Ok I have some complaints from your teammates to let you know what bothers them about you, nobody be sensitive about this..." began Konan.

Hidan had a look of shock on his face. "Wait! I thought those were private!"

"They are. I'm not reading names." Before Hidan could protest, she started reading.

**"1) Tobi poots in his sleep. I'm tired of worrying about if he's going to fart or not since is gas smalls like shit mixed with the scent of sweaty balls. I wonder if Deidara notices it."**

**"2) Tobi smells like my ass."**

Laughter from Hidan and Kisame.

**"3) he is my ass"**

**"4)I pooted."**

Kisame and Hidan laughed harder. Konan gave them a "WTF" look. How the heck was that funny.

**"5)Tobi is the shit."**

**"6)I'm stalking you right now Tobi."**

**"7)Deidara is the BOMB BITCH!"**

Everybody stared at Deidara. Konan was hating this decision already. So far this was pretty boring.

**"8)I love you Kisame!"**

Everybody stared at Kisame. "What? I didn't write that."

"Oh and who else would write that?" asked Hidan. 

"Your mom."

**"9)Hey baby, let me see your Dragon Balls."**

Deidara started laughing. Konan's eye twitched with slight annoyance.

**"10)You shake too much in bed...in MY bed..."**

**"11)Once you asked me why I keep saying art is a bang...wanna find out?"**

**12\. Lolipoop**

**13\. learn to spell before you write Hidumb**

**14\. OOOH! BURN!**

**15\. I eated a brownie yesterday!**

**16\. I pooted!**

Tobi coughed slightly.

**17\. Booby booby boooooby! Konan said booby!**

"How did someone know that I was going to read this?" Konan mumbled to herself.

**18\. Tobi is a futanari**

"What's a futanari?" asked Tobi

"Uh…" Kisame whispered what a futanari was.

"Are Deidara, Itachi, and Kakuzu one's, Kisa-san? 'Cuz Kakuzu has long girly hair and hips." Kisame burst out laughing when Tobi whispered this in his ear.

"Fuck yeah they are! Especially…" Kisame quickly covered up his mouth and left the room, dragging Tobi with him.

"I KNEW IT!" Tobi said from the hallway. Tobi stuck his head into the meeting room and ran to Deidara, Itachi, and Kakuzu while pointing at each one yelling, "FUTANARI!" before running off.

**19\. Duck fucker (Get it because Deidara has hair shaped like a duck)**

"I think you're thinking of Sasuke." said Kisame.

**20\. You so dan ugly, yo mamamay didn't want you!**

"I wonder who wrote THAT?" Kakuzu said rolling his eyes.

"Go back to school Hidan!" said Deidara.

"FUCK YOU!" was all the immortal said, clearly embarrassed.

**10\. I liks Tiitss.**

"How did he spell that?" asked Itachi.

"He said 'I liks tiits' instead of 'I like tits.' and plus he spelled 'likes' l-i-k-s and 'tits' t-i-i-t-ss."

Everyone burst out laughing, except Hidan who kind of hid himself.

**11\. I'm a Tobi pregant batch**

Everybody burst out laughing at Hidan's fails. "Go back to school, chump!" laughed Deidara.

"Well that was freaking lame." said Konan sighing. "Now for Itachi's."

Good thing Konan wasn't saying who sent them. Hopefully the complaint boxes would have much better notes next time. "Now before I read this…Itachi…"

"Hm?"

"Please don't use any jutsus on anyone, okay?"

"Hn…" Itachi rolled his eyes.

**_1\. Dat ass_ **

**_2\. Dat asshole_ **

**_3\. Super weasel_ **

**_4\. Sexy-no-jutsu gone wrong_ **

**_5\. Dat chest_ **

**_6. Futanari Unleashed_ **

**_7\. Itachi sucks…literally_ **

Hidan coughed and punched Kakuzu, who slapped him on the back of the head, almost knocking it off.

**_8\. Dat asshole_ **

Konan blinked at the note. This one was written by Zetsu while the other one was written by Itachi. She wasn't sure if both fucked Itachi or both wrote it by coincidence or planned it.

**_9\. Kisame, stop writing stupid stuff!_ **

Were the other members reading these? She'd have to keep a better watch on that box.

**_10\. I'm not, small Dick girl whose name is Deidara the limpest dick in the world…that DOESN'T EXIST!"_ **

A few of the members snickered at this.

**_11\. Then who is it?_ **

**_12\. Yo ho-ish mammy_ **

**_13\. Learn to spell Hidan_ **

**_14\. Butt Lick_ **

Konan stared at the only person who could have written the words, "Butt lick", and be quiet up until that was read, and then burst out laughing like a total manic on crack. That person…was Tob,

"Very funny, Tobi." Konan rolled her eyes.

"But it wasn't Tobi!" Tobi said innocently. "It was Naruto!"

"That fox kid?" said Kisame.

"Yeah!" Tobi wiggled in his chair. "He was here in the base! He gave Tobi some dango if he promised not to tell!"

"Tobi is a liar!" Naruto jumped from out of nowhere and pimp slapped Tobi across his face er mask. "DAMN LOLLIPOP!"

"Ow!" Tobi whimpered.

"See ya later suckers!" laughed Naruto before throwing down a smoke bomb and disappeared.

"THANKS A LOT, SHIT BREATH!" Hidan yelled at Tobi. "WE COULD HAVE BEEN AMBUSHED!"

"And we lost the Nine-Tails too." Itachi glared Tobi.

"Oops?" Tobi said nervously.

* * *

 

**The Next Day**

The next day, instead of Konan reading the list, it was Pain. All of the akatsuki members (minus Itachi, Zetsu, and Sasori) were pretty nervous. Writing stupid, sexual, and yaoi-ish subjects with the boss man reading them? Everyone was going to pay. Especially some of the things Hidan and Deidara had written recently.

"Ok, let us get this thing over with so that we may move on to important matters." said Pain, obviously bored out of his mind. Was this really necessary for them to do?

"Uh maybe Leader-sama could take a break, yeah!" said Deidara quickly.

"Yeah you deserve a break!" said Hidan.

Pain stared at Hidan. "Are you trying to tell me something Hidan?"

"NO YOU UGLY GINGER HAIRED FUCKER!" Hidan snapped. "GO SUCK ON A COCK YOU FAT ASS FUCKER!"

"I think we should read Hidan's list today…don't you all agree?" said Pain smirking slightly.

"Damn it…why can't I keep my mouth shut for three seconds?!" Hidan mumbled to himself.

**1\. Hidan is the stupidest thing since fried dirt balls!**

**2\. Hidan is so damn ugly his whole village died from shock.**

**3\. I farted just now.**

**4\. I like eating a cheeseburger.**

Tobi coughed nervously. Not too long ago he had been singing, "Tobi love cheeseburgers! Tobi ated Hidan's cheeseburger! YAY!"

Pain just rubbed his forehead and read on.

**5\. Pain is a batard. A ugky basard. JASHIN rulez! Kakuzu iz a fat fuc. Deidara suckz blalls. Kisame haz 2 dics. Itachi has corn in hiz poo. Zetsu is guy. Conan iz a big boopzed tiittyyshakerz. I'z rulezz! Tobe is a fat monkey and I lik cheese he sayz.**

Everyone looked at Hidan, but on the inside everyone was laughing their ass off. Pain gave Hidan a "WTF" look and shook his head.

**6\. Dear Diary: Hidan has a crush on Kisame. He likes to masturbate to Kisame's hair and stuff. SO GAY! Anyway, I eated a cheeseburger. I think it was Hidan's. Why can't I stop talking about Hidan? Probably 'cuz I like talking smack about how lame Hidan is. He is so sneaky, but Tobi sees all! As a matter of fact I saw Hidan dress up like Itachi and fap with Kisame-sempai. Tobi watched. Sasori was eating some popcorn with Konan and Zetsu in the closet. Tobi ate some too, but they didn't see Tobi. I have to go now. Konan is going to fap with somebody named Jiariya 'cuz Leader doesn't like her. Why would she think that? I've seen Leader-sama touch his thingy and say "KONAN! FUCK YEAH! SUCK THAT DICK!" and there isn't anybody there except Leader-sama sitting there naked touching himself like Hidan…does that mean Leader is a loser too? Oh well… Sighed Tobi aka the lollipop…oosps! I mean this isn't TOBI! THIS IS ITACHI! (stupid Tobi)**

Everybody looked at Tobi, Hidan, and then Pain. Pain looked embarrassed, Konan looked shocked, Sasori was trying to hide inside of his cloak, Kisame looked disgusted, Hidan wasn't even there, and everyone else was shocked, except Itachi who wasn't there either.

Pain slowly got up and gestured for Tobi to follow. When Tobi slithered over there, Pain calmly told him to get Hidan. Tobi left and came back with an embarrassed Hidan.

A few minutes later, crying, begging, sobbing, and other things could be heard that terrified the hell out of everyone. One could only imagine the horrors that Pain was doing to those two. Hopefully Konan would do the reading tomorrow.

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay when I read this, none of that fighting crap, got it?" Konan said looking around the room. Hidan gave her the finger while Deidara just rolled his eyes.

**1) Jashit**

Hidan flipped over the table or at least tried to. He pulled out his scythe and pointed it at every member in the room. "Okay which one of you morons just insulted Jashin-sama?!"

"Just about all of us do it," said Deidara.

"I SHOULD KILL YOU ALL!" yelled Hidan shaking his fist.

"Calm down, Hidan," said Konan calmly.

"Fuck you!" yelled Hidan but he did stay where he was and just grumbled to himself.

**2) I'm tired of seeing toenails on the living room floor. If I find who did this, I'll beat their ass.**

"Yeah who is that?" asked Tobi. For the longest time, he kept finding toenail clippings on the floor. It was nasty for one thing and he was glad someone else had the same issue with them being there.

"I'm tired of stepping on them myself," said Kisame. "I think the carpet might be 65% toenail by now."

"If I find them, I'll whoop their ass myself, hm!" said Deidara.

"I'd like to see that," said Itachi.

"You got somethin' to say, Uchiha?" Deidara glared at the older man.

"I doubt you can take any of us on," said Itachi. "Even everyone at their weakest could handle you without trying."

"Why you...!" Deidara looked as if he wanted to jump across the table and hit Itachi when his partner stopped him and gave him a "Do you really want to embarrass yourself?" look. The blonde man shot the Uchiha a dirty look before sitting back down and crossing his arms. "Hmph! Whatever, weasel boy."

**3) Hidan needs to wash his hands.**

"I do so wash my damn hands!"

"Yeah right," His partner rolled his eyes.

**4) Kakuzu is such a sexy mother fucker. I'd give $10 just to suck his dick.**

"$1O?!" Hidan burst out laughing while a few dared to snicker at this. "That's all your old ass is worth? Ten bucks? Ahahahahaha!"

"At least I know what soap is."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" yelled Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi.

"Shut the fuck up!" yelled Hidan.

**5) Sasori needs to stay in that puppet. He gives me the creeps outside of it.**

Sasori just shrugged.

**6) Deidara's breath smells like ass.**

"My breath doesn't stink!" He protected.

"Breath into your hand and sniff," said Sasori.

"Fine. I will!" He did so and gagged. 'Damn my breath really does stink. I can't admit it though.' Deidara did it again and pretended it smelled like roses though everyone had seen him gagging on his own breath. "Nothing's wrong with my..."

"We all saw you gag...like you gag on dick!" Hidan burst out laughing.

"I know where you can get some good mouth wash," said Zetsu smirking. "It's on the same isle where Hidan can find soap."

The priest stopped laughing then.

**7) I don't ever want to see Itachi naked again. He has a bush where his dick should be. He should shave that fucking pube hair off.**

If it had been anyone else, everyone would be fighting over who saw them with no clothes on. Itachi didn't appear to be bothered though on the inside he was horrified. What creep had seen him naked besides...he tried so hard to keep a straight face as he was fighting off giving Kisame a shocked look.

"Wait, who the fuck shaves down there?" said Hidan. "It looks like that thing on a turkey."

"And who the fuck was staring at Itachi?" asked Kisame. "If I catch any one in our room, I'll beat their ass! Who was it?!"

"It wasn't me!" said Tobi. "I bet it was Deidara! He's so jealous of Itachi so he wanted to find dirt on him so he can embarrass him!"

"Shut up, Tobi! Like I would waste the time on that bastard!"

"Aren't you always plotting to..." began Sasori.

"Shut up, un!"

**8) What color are Kisame pubes? I bet his hair is dyed and it's pink underneath.**

"Who the hell is pube obsessed?" Kisame mumbled.

"Well? Is it?" asked Tobi.

"Did _you_ write that?"

"No...but _is_ that your real hair color?"

"Of course it is!"

"Pubes?"

"What do you think?"

"Oh...KISAME HAS TURKEY NUTS!" Kisame threw a shoe at him and missed as the man ducked out of the way.

Tobi then giggled and ran off shouting about Kisame having no pubic hair despite everyone being in the room they just left from. Since those two were gone and she didn't want them to miss anything, she dismissed the rest of them. On their way out, she noticed a few of them giving each other nasty looks. If a fight broke out in the hideout, she hoped Pain would just pass it off as the everyday squabbling the Akatsuki had on a daily basis. If he knew she was the reason they were fighting, that would piss him off and she'd be missing out on a good laugh at what everyone wrote.


	3. Chapter 3

"Glad to see you all in one piece," said Konan. The others just grumbled as Konan pulled out a one of the complaints of the box she had in her lap. "Let's start, shall we?"

1) I can't stand Tobi's voice. It's annoying.

'That's the point,' Tobi thought amused.

"Finally someone realizes!" said Deidara.

2) Kakuzu needs to get paid.

"Paid?" Kakuzu blinked at this. "I do get paid."

"I think they meant laid," smirked Hidan.

Kakuzu just stared at Hidan. "I'm getting you a spelling book."

"Hey! Who said I fucking wrote that?"

"Your face."

3) Kisame is a fao.

"What?" Kisame looked confused.

"You're a fag!" shouted Hidan.

"I'd know that if you knew how to spell!" retorted Kisame.

"Fuck off, Kisame!"

"I'm surprised you know how to spell my name!"

4) Zetsu fucks himself.

"I don't fuck myself." said Zetsu. "But I will fuck whoever wrote that."

5) Pain is a pain in the ass.

"You better be glad Pain isn't here," said Konan.

"I'll don't give a fuck!" said Hidan.

6) Deidara likes to have sex...with his hand because nobody likes his ugly ass!

"Plenty of women would date me!" said Deidara looking angrily.

"Then where are these bitches?" asked Hidan smirking. Just when he opened up his mouth, Hidan spoke up. "Stop fucking lying! You ain't got no women! Fuck outta here!"

"I don't see you with any women, Hidan!" Deidara glared at the older man.

"I don't have any, but at least I'll admit it until your punk ass! No shame though, dumbass. None of us have a girlfriend...we just get laid unlike you! I bet even Jaws over there fucks more women than you!"

"And I bet everyone showers more than you!"

"With soap." added Sasori.

"I know you ain't talking!" said Deidara turning to Sasori. "When's the last time you used soap and water?"

"Last week." said Sasori in a matter of fact voice.

"LAST WEEK?!" said Kisame. "You're almost as bad as Hidan!"

"I'm mostly a puppet. I don't need to take showers everyday."

"You're fucking dirty!"

"Again, you don't wash your hands or bathe!" said Kakuzu. "How do you not smell?!"

"Pine sol." said Sasori.

"Air freshener." said Hidan. "A lot of it."

"You musty bastard." said Kakuzu.

7) I'm tired of the shit stains! Every time I do the laundry, I just about find shit stains on Deidara's underwear! This bastard needs to spend more time cleaning his ass!

"Ooh really?" Sasori gave Deidara a shit eating grin. "Mr. Perfect leaves shit stains in his underwear?"

"I don't!"

"Yeah right. The blush on your face says otherwise."

"I've seen them," said Itachi. "That's why I always use sticks with his stuff. If he can't wipe his bottom, no telling if he has crap on his clothes too."

"What do you do with the stick?" smirked Sasori as Deidara looked furious.

"Burn them."

"I got shit on my fingers once." said Kisame. "I thought it was chocolate...good thing I didn't eat it. But I wiped it on my cloak. Deidara, you're fucking nasty."

"Nasty bastard." said Kakuzu shaking his head.

8) I saw Kisame fucking that Hinata chick. Deem titties though.

"Who?" asked Deidara. "Who the fuck is Hinata?"

"How should I know?" said Kisame.

"She's part of the Hyuuga clan." explained Itachi. "They have the byakugan."

"You fucked one of those weirdos?" said Deidara. "They all look blind and I'm pretty sure they all have the same eyes because they fucked each other!"

"I've seen her before," said Tobi. "She's hideous."

"Clearly you don't have any taste in women." said Kisame before realizing what he just said.

"SO YOU DID FUCK HER!" said Hidan. "I TOLD YOU KISAME GETS LAID MORE THAN YOUR UGLY ASS!"

9) Itachi breath stinks. What's he been eating? ASS?

"My breath smells fine. Maybe it's just your breath you're smelling, Deidara." said Itachi. Deidara just clinched his fist and gave him the finger.

10) Kakuzu paints his fingernails! What a fag!

"We all paint our fingernails," said Kakuzu rolling his eyes. "So whoever it was is calling themselves that."

"I ain't a fag, fag! Unlike you, I make it work!"

"Yeah...LIKE A FAG!" Deidara laughed at him.

"FAG!"

"FAG!

"FAGGOT!"

"Oh watch out! We've got a badass over here!" said Deidara smirking at the priest. "He added G-O-T to the word fag. Well Hidan AT LEAST I'M A FAG THAT CAN SPELL!"

"Keep talking and I'll kick your ass!" said Hidan pulled out his scythe.

"Bring it!" said Deidara reaching for his clay.

"Calm down." said the Uchiha. "Remember what you have in common and do that."

"Do what?" said the albino. "I don't have anything in common with this fucker!"

"Of course you do. You both stink."

Everyone started laughing while Kisame was cracking up the hardest. Hidan and Deidara both went for him but Itachi quickly knocked them both out without even trying. Konan then excuse them and left Deidara and Hidan be while the rest went about their day.


	4. Chapter 4

"I just wanna say that whoever wrote 'If I see any complaints about me today, I'll whoop everyone's ass!' in the hallway, you will do no such thing." said Konan.

"I wish he would try," said Sasori.

"Speaking of which..." Kakuzu pulled out a spelling book and threw it at Hidan's forehead.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR, ASSHOLE!?"

"Because you can't spell, duh!" said Kisame.

"Who asked you?"

"You can't spell," said Kakuzu. "I better see you use it before I make you."

"You can't make me do shit!"

"Wanna see?"

"AHEM!" said Konan.

1) We have rats and they live underneath Hidan's armpits.

"Whoever wrote that is fucking stupid," said Hidan.

"Maybe if you took a bath, maybe you wouldn't smell like a wet rat when you lift up your arms!" said Sasori.

"Plus you need to shave that forest too. First time I saw you lift those arms up, I thought I saw rats clinching to your armpits." said Zetsu.

"At least I can grow hair!" Hidan glared him.

"Last time I checked there's hair on my head, you ugly, stinkin' bastard!"

2) Hidan still owes me five dollars. Why does he need money because he sure isn't spending it on anything but food. What he needs to spend it on is new underwear. As much money as we get paid, there's no excuse to be walking around wearing hole filled underwear that smell like horse shit.

"He owes me money too!" said Tobi.

"Who the fuck is staring at my fucking underwear!?" yelled Hidan.

"You walk around in them at night," said Kakuzu. "Someone's bound to see you, idiot."

3) Deidara likes to think he's the shit, but he's not. I hope he gets his shit rocked so we can all laugh at him.

"I'll be laughing when I fuck whoever wrote that!" grumbled Deidara.

4) Hidan's the stupidest bastard in the Akatsuki.

"They aren't wrong," said Kakuzu.

"What's that supposed to mean, Shithead?!" Hidan yelled at the much older man.

"Take a wild guess, moron. You can't spell, you don't think rationally half the time, and you just barely know what soap is."

"BURN!" said Kisame.

"Shut up Jaws!"

5) You so dan ugly, yo mamamay didn't want you!

"Stupid fuck," said Deidara.

"I will come over there and beat your ass!" yelled Hidan ready to fight Deidara.

"I can't help it that you can't spell!"

"At least I know how to wipe my ass!"

6) Dear Diary: Hidan has a crush on Kisame. He likes to masturbate to Kisame's hair and stuff. SO GAY! Anyway, I eated a cheeseburger. I think it was Hidan's. Why can't I stop talking about Hidan? Probably 'cuz I like talking smack about how lame Hidan is. He is so sneaky, but Tobi sees all! As a matter of fact I saw Hidan dress up like Itachi and fap with Kisame-sempai. Tobi watched. Sasori was eating some popcorn with Konan and Zetsu in the closet. Tobi ate some too, but they didn't see Tobi. I have to go now. Konan is going to fap with somebody named Jiariya 'cuz Leader doesn't like her. Why would she think that? I've seen Leader-sama touch his thingy and say "KONAN! FUCK YEAH! SUCK THAT DICK!" and there isn't anybody there except Leader-sama sitting there naked touching himself like Hidan…does that mean Leader is a loser too? Oh well… Sighed Tobi aka the lollipop…oops! I mean this isn't TOBI! THIS IS ITACHI!

Everyone just blinked at this, not able to come up with some kind of retort or response from how utterly ridiculous the "complaint" was. The only thing anybody said was from Kisame. "What the fuck?"

7) Tobi smells like my ass.

"So you've decided to embrace the fact that your ass stinks, huh?" smirked Sasori at the blonde man. "Too bad everywhere you go, you smell your own ass instead of how someone truly smells."

"I didn't write that, you walking freak, un!"

"I may be a freak, but I'm a freak with clean underwear," He pointed out.

8) Itachi is fucking hideous.

"To each their own," said Itachi simply.

9) I wonder if Itachi braids his pubes so he can find his dick. I bet it fucking stinks like ass down there when he gets too lazy to braid it and has to piss.

"Even if I had long hair down there, I know how to bathe to get rid of the smell." said Itachi. "Maybe that would be a problem for you since you have poor hygiene, Hidan."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" said Deidara and Kisame.

"Clean your ass!" said Hidan throwing toilet paper at the younger man.

"CLEAN YOUR ASS!" He threw it back.

"CLEAN BOTH YOUR ASSES!" boomed Pain's voice scaring the shit out of some of the members there. He threw a bar of soap at both of them.

"Pain what are you doing here?" said Konan surprised. Pain had been busy with a few matters in the village so she hadn't expected him back at this early in the day.

"I wanted to come by and see you about something and overheard a few things." He said as he looked around the room. "I think from now on I should be participating in this little meeting starting tomorrow. What do you say, Konan?"

"Whatever you wish, Pain." On the inside Konan knew this would be trouble for just about all of them, but she couldn't tell Pain no. They were just going to be in deep ship with Pain and Konan seriously began debating on if she wanted to stick around to see how pissed her friend would be.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, instead of Konan reading the list, it was Pain. All of the akatsuki members were pretty nervous. Writing stupid, sexual, and yaoi-ish subjects with the boss man reading them? Everyone was going to pay especially since there were some insults aimed towards their boss.

Pain pulled out one of the papers and read it out.

Deidara's breath smells like rotten eggs.

"Perhaps you should get yourself some strong mouth wash." suggested Pain.

Hidan snickered at Deidara while Deidara just hung his head in shame. If it had been anyone else, he could have talked shit. Since it was Pain, he would get his ass beat if he tried.

Kisame had about 5 pregnancy scares. Keep your dick in your pants dude!

"That's a lie!" said Kisame.

"My bad. You only had one and you cried like a bitch when you found out. OH WAIT THAT WAS YOUR WOMAN!" laughed Hidan.

Pain didn't seem too bothered about it. "Just don't bring the Akatsuki into it...and don't have too many children. It tends to draw attention."

Deidara is fucking ugly.

"I am not ugly!" yelled Diedara.

"You are. Put on a bag, you ugly freak."

Everyone burst out laughing while Deidara fell out of his chair.

Hidan can't spell for shit.

"No he can't." agreed Pain.

"I can spell fine!" said Hidan.

"Spell rules." said Pain.

"R-O-O-L-Z."

"Spell daddy."

"'D-A-D-D-E."

"Spell ass."

"A-C-E."

"Congratulations, Hidan. You just proved to me that you're the dumbest person here."

"ME!? What about that stupidly voiced Tobi asshole over there! He's the biggest dumbass here!"

"Okay then." Pain turned to the masked man. "Tobi, spell rules."

"R-U-L-E-S."

"Spell daddy."

"D-A-D-D-Y."

"Spell ass."

"A-S-S."

"Spell mountain."

"M-O-U-N-T-A-I-N."

"Point proven. I better see you back in that book Kakuzu gave you, fool." said Pain. "As a matter of fact, this afternoon at 4: 30 pm, I better see progress."

"And what the fuck will your spiky haired ass do?"

"I'll force a tutor on you and if you don't listen to them, I'll have Kakuzu beat the shit outta you."

Deidara burst out laughing causing Pain to look at him. "And if you don't start blushing your teeth and wiping your ass, I'll have him beat your ugly ass too."

"Heh." Sasori smirked at his partner.

Irachi is a failure. He couldn't even catched the nein-teails!

"Some nerve you have since you're the one who can't spell," said Pain.

Kisame ain't nothin' but a cheatin' ho. First he fucks his girlfriend and then he turns around and fucks Sasori! These hoes ain't loyal.

"It's called having game," said Kisame.

"It's called being a dumbass," said Pain as he held up a complaint and began to read it off as a few people laughed at Kisame's stunned reaction.

I've seen Kisame bringing in that Hinata woman and every time he creampies the shit outta her. Then those fools wonder why they think they're about to be parents. I think the ugly bitch wants to be pregnant. I caught her cutting up a condom once.

"After this meeting, if Hidan doesn't do at least 5 pages in his spelling book, Kakuzu you better beat the literal shit out of him and Deidara!"

"Why me!?" said Deidara.

"Cuz you didn't tell him about her cutting up condoms and Kisame bringing her here, you stupid bastard!" Their leader shook their head. He dismissed them and told him they'd be doing more readings the next day. Meanwhile Deidara, Kisame, and Hidan sent each other angry looks but since they were already in trouble with Pain, they wouldn't risk getting an extra ass whooping if Hidan didn't do his spelling words or just a flat out ass whooping even if he did his work correctly.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, Pain once again took over Konan's duties while Konan was off doing his. Just as everyone sat down, their boss turned to Kakuzu. "Kakuzu, did you do what I told you to do?"

"Yes sir and I brought it with me just like you said." Kakuzu slammed down a leather belt on the table. Everyone stared at it wondering what the heck Kakuzu was doing with a belt and why Pain asked him to buy one. Hidan seemed to think it was hilarious though.

"HA! Can't keep your pants up, you old geezer?" laughed Hidan. "Next thing you know you'll be wearing suspenders."

"Oh that belt isn't for him. It's for you and Deidara."

"Excuse me? I know how to keep my fucking pants held up!" yelled Hidan.

"So do I, hm!" said Deidara. "And how the heck are we supposed to share just one? Learn how to count, Leader-sama."

"I know how to count Deidara." smirked their boss. "And I know you know how to count too. Let's see if you can count how many times Kakuzu is going to smack you across the ass. As a matter of fact, I'll do it for you!"

"W-what did I do!?" yelled Deidara horrified that he was going to be beat with a belt and by Kakuzu of all people.

"You cheated!"

"I what?!"

"I saw you helping oh sorry excuse me, WRITING DOWN THE FUCKING ANSWERS FOR HIDAN!" yelled the red headed man. Deidara and Hidan didn't say a word since that was what happened and Pain had caught them. If anyone else had accused them of cheating, both men would deny it all day long. Considering it was Pain, they knew he wasn't going to lie about it and even if he was everyone had to do as he said anyways considering he was stronger than either of them.

"How did you...?" began Hidan.

"For one thing, I saw Deidara sitting beside you and talking shit about your spelling," he explained. "Then when I looked at your work, there were two different handwrittings. Did you idiots really think I was that fucking stupid?"

"Yes," said Hidan while Deidara face palmed.

"Just for saying that, Kakuzu I want you to get this fuckers up at 6 in the morning and beat them with that belt for as long as you want, make them go back to bed, beat them in front of the other members at lunch, surprise beat them again while they're pissing or shitting, beat them again at dinner, and beat them while they're sleeping but only for a little while. I still need them well rested for the morning beating. I want you to do it until their asses are fucking blood red by the end of next week!"

"WHAT?! BUT BUT BUT WHAT ABOUT KISAME!? HE..."

"He didn't help Hidan cheat like a fool." said Pain. "And technically those workbook pages were done so he doesn't get beat."

"That's not fair!" whined Deidara.

"You weren't saying that when you cheated for Hidan." He pulled out the box.

**Hidan is a stupid fucker.**

"Agreed." said Pain.

**Itachi can't fucking cook for shit. He used up 10 cartons trying to make an omelet all because he either forgot to take out the egg shells, burnt them, put in too much salt, or sweat on those poor bastards. The latter happened the most. Maybe he should stop exercising/training before he cooks, the stankin' bastard.**

"10 cartons?!" said Deidara. "You really can't cook!"

"And you really won't be able to walk about Kakuzu beats you tomorrow morning," Itachi turned to Kakuzu. "Wake me up in the morning so I can laugh at him."

"Sure thing," said Kakuzu while Deidara gave both men furious looks. If only he had left Hidan's dumb ass alone. Even if he had failed to do his spelling work, at least that would be one beating and then they'd be done. Now he was being beaten until his ass was red AND had Itachi there to see him getting a whooping! Damn it!

**I hope Uchiha gets hit by a tree.**

"And I hope you get beat with a belt. Oh wait."

"One of these days, you prick!" yelled Deidara.

**Tobi ate my cheeseburger.**

"You didn't need it anyways, fatty," giggled Tobi. Normally Tobi didn't touch any of the other member's foods, but that cheeseburger just looked so delicious he just had to have it. As soon as he took the first bite, he knew he had made the right choice.

"Maybe you shouldn't eat other people's food, Tobi," said Sasori. "After all, doing that is what landed you on the toilet for a couple of hours."

"That was you!?"

"Duh. I do like to eat sometimes," he shrugged. "Besides, prune sauce tastes pretty good. Speaking of which, I'm surprised the cheeseburger didn't land on the toilet again."

Tobi quickly made a mental note to choice what foods he ate out of the fridge more carefully.

**Kisame has some smooth legs. I'm kinda jealous.**

"Really?" said Hidan looking surprised. "I would have guessed he had rough legs."

"He has very smooth skin." said Itachi. "You couldn't tell just by looking."

"Ooooh! Can I touch?" Before Kisame could tell him "No" Tobi felt on his arm. "He is soft! What cream do you use or is it all natural?"

"Natural, now get off!" He said snatching his arm from Tobi. "How the heck are you even feeling me?! You have on gloves!"

"I can confirm you have amazing skin," said Sasori touching on his face. "Even your gills are smooth."

Soon everyone was rubbing on his amazing skin, even Pain and Kakuzu were doing it. "I could make a killing off of you." mumbled the miser causing Kisame to panic.

"OKAY! CAN YOU ALL STOP!?" yelled Kisame. "YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!"

Everyone stopped touching him except Tobi, whom Kisame had to slap to stop him.

"What was that for?" whimpered the older man rubbing his face uh mask.

"Do it again and I'll do worse!"

"Make out with me?"

"What?! No!"

**Deidara has a shrine dedicated to Kisame. I ain't lying! LOOK!**

"Of course the loser would," said Hidan.

"That's a damn lie! I don't have a fucking shrine of him!" yelled Deidara.

"Yes you do! I saw it!" said Zetsu. "We got picture of you making out with a picture of Kisame! I swear! You know that pair of boxers that went missing? CHECK DEIDARA'S ROOM! I SWEAR HE WEARS 'EM!"

"NO I DON'T!"

"AND THEY'RE FUCKING DIRTY! AS A MATTER OF FACT, THEY'RE THE SAME PAIR YOU TOOK OFF AFTER A MISSION WHEN YOU CAME BACK DIRTY AS FUCK AND COULDN'T FIND A HOTEL ROOM AND TAKE A BATH SO YOU TWO CAME STRAIGHT HOME WITHOUT STOPPING AT AN INN OR HOTEL!"

"STOP LYING!"

"STOP YELLING BEFORE I BEAT YOU HARDER THAN I WILL HIDAN!" yelled Kakuzu.

"I don't buy it." said Kisame.

"Are you missing gray boxers with white zigzags?" Kisame's eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

"NO! I don't have them! I mean I do, but not like that! I-I thought they were mine! I swear!"

"You said you _bought_ those ugly things." said Sasori. "I remember when you left those stinky things on the floor. They smelled like sweaty ass checks, cheese, and onions rings but you said 'Let 'em stink because they're lucky'."

"Uuuuuuh I think I need to leave."

"Go ahead." said Pain. When Kisame left, Pain turned to the blonde who's head was barely visible as he slumped down in his chair. "I'm surprised you don't have a rash from not washing those things."

"I'm surprised his genitals aren't gone. That mission was 4 months ago given how Kisame lost those underwear after a similar sounding mission."

"I think it hissed at me once." admitted the red head.

"I'll tell you what, Deidara. You will only get a two day beating if you throw those things away before you burn a hole in the floor." Deidara didn't even answer. "Be that way. Kakuzu, bend him over and beat his ass. NOW."

"Huh?!" Deidara came from under the table.

"Make sure you swing that bitch from the back, like **_way_ ** behind your back. As far as it'll go without hurting you." said Pain as he put his feet on the table and put the box on the floor. "As a matter of fact, all of you go get some popcorn and drinks and enjoy the show."

Everybody did just that too. Kakuzu moved the table to give room for the other members to line their chairs up and sit to get a good view of Deidara getting his ass beat. He had to use one hand as to keep Deidara in the room while everyone had left. As every sat down for the show, Deidara was forced to bend over the table and Kakuzu used his jutsu so he could use his earth mask to hold his writs down as he was trying to fight off Kakuzu while the earth mask had his legs. Kakuzu yanked down Deidara's pants and nearly fainted. He was wearing the dirty ass underwear and everyone in the room and outside it could smell the funky boxers.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW DID WE NOT SMELL THOSE THING! FOR THE LOVE OF JASHIN-SAMA, TELL ME HOW!" said Hidan holding his nose.

"I-I used a jutsu..." mumbled Deidara.

"What?" said Pain.

"I USED A JUTSU!"

"Beat his ass until I say stop."

When Kakuzu pulled down his underwear, sorry I meant ripped them off and set them on fire, the blonde man's ass cheeks tense up and were quivering. Kakuzu held the belt up and proceeded to beat Deidara across the ass. Hidan laughed loudly spilling soda and popcorn all over the place.

"Keep laughing, you're next." said Pain cutting Hidan's laughter short.


	7. Chapter 7

"Need some ice, Deidara?" Itachi said bluntly as he headed to the meeting room along with the rest of the Akatsuki. Deidara wanted to punch Itachi in the face and he nearly did so when someone slapped him on the ass causing him to scream and flop down on the floor. Sasori laughed at him as the other members stepped over him and snickered at him as he cried over his ass pains.

Konan felt bad for the man, but there was nothing she could do about it. Other than her, nobody else really did want to do anything or say anything. Hidan was too busy feeling bad for himself, Itachi felt very little pity, Kisame was still creeped out by Deidara wearing his filthy underwear and possibly stalking him, Zetsu thought it was funny, and Kakuzu couldn't wait to beat him again for various reasons. Deidara sobbed, hating everyone who laughed at him and himself for being stupid enough to help out Hidan. Hidan couldn't laugh as he was in much more pain than Deidara was. Kakuzu had beaten him much harder and for much longer than he had Deidara. He had hit him so hard that his ass was red and was still red now despite it being hours since he had gotten a whooping. He could barely even stand up as his legs were still aching. As a matter of fact, he had to be wheeled in on a cart laying on his stomach to make his pain less bad.

"I bet he won't be laughing now," said Pain as Hidan was wheeled to the table.

"Fuck off," said Hidan in a shaky voice. He felt like crying. Kakuzu was gonna pay!

"Let's get started, shall we?" said Pein as Deidara stood instead of sitting down. "You don't wanna take a seat?"

"You know I can't sit down!" snapped the blonde man. "I've gotten my ass beaten with a belt BY FUCKING KAKUZU'S STRONG ASS! I'M LUCKY I'M NOT LIKE HIDAN OVER THERE! THE BASTARD CAN BARELY STAND UP!"

"I...should...kick...your...ass..." he hissed wincing as he said every word.

**Pein is so crazy giving us all this damn work! Go wash the dishes, pick up trash and take it out, clean the toilets, and etc. Shouldn't we be doing real work?**

"That is real work," said Pain. "If you all knew how to keep the toilet not shit stained, stop missing the trash and not picking it up, clean after themselves after they shower, and stop being nasty bastards you wouldn't have to do it!"

"Why can't we have a maid?" asked Sasori.

"Because you're all grown ass men! You don't need someone to pick someone up after you. Besides anybody who's not in the akatsuki should be in here."

Sasori smells like saw dust.

"He works with wood. No shit." said Kisame rolling his eyes.

"I smell like saw dust?" The red head looked surprised. Sure he worked with wood and did partially to make up his body, but he hadn't expected himself to smell like wood of all things. He usually used scented polish that smelled like strawberries. As much as he didn't mind the smell, why did he smell like saw dust? He wanted to smell like strawberries damn it!

"You don't know how you smell?"

"I should smell like strawberries."

"It's there, but it's faint." said Zetsu. "

"Shit!"

"Why do you want to smell like that anyways?" asked Zetsu.

"Because they remind me of my grandma's pies she used to bake."

"Granny's Boy." cough Hidan.

"I will hit you or least ask Kakuzu to beat you until you shit rainbows!" snapped Sasori. He may not be on the same page as his grandmother, but he did miss her a little especially her pies. If only he could have just a bite of her strawberry pie or maybe one of her pumpkin pies or blueberry. He was starting to drool over the thought of such a thing.

"Um you're drooling," Kisame poked Sasori's cheek.

"Huh? Oh!" He quickly wiped his face of whatever drool came out of his mouth. "Sorry. I was just thinking about pie."

"Can you even eat?" asked Tobi. "I haven't seen you eat before."

"I can but I choose not to...unless it's my grandmother's pie. I could go for one right now."

"Ahem!" Pain cleared his throat.

"Sorry. I just really like her pie."

**Kakuzu is old. Should the elderly be allowed in the Akatsuki?**

"In case you're fucking stupid, he obviously gets the job done." Pain rolled his eyes. Who was the moron who wrote this complaint? Yes Kakuzu was older than all of them however he was still able to perform his duties flawlessly. So old or not, Kakuzu was in the Akatsuki because he was capable.

**Jashin ain't real. Fuck off, Hidumb.**

"Say that to my face, cow-my ass!" Hidan whimpered. If he wasn't in such pain, he beat up whoever said that.

**Kakuzu has a nice ass. Any way I can unstitch it off and replace it with my ass and give him mine? He probably doesn't appreciate his butt enough.**

"Lemme see that." Pain gave him the complaint to Kakuzu.

"So you want my ass huh, Deidara?" Everyone looked towards Deidara who was already trying to get underneath the table but was doing it slowly since he was in pain.

" _ **Creep. Next thing he'll want is your dick.**_ " joked Zetsu. "Or would he rather have Kisame's?"

"In his dreams!"

"I'm pretty sure that's what happens already," Hidan giggled only to stop once he felt the pain coming back sharply. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"I thought you liked pain." smirked the puppet master.

"Shut up!"

**I saw Itachi picking his nose once and flick the booger Deidara's back. It was a juicy one too.**

"YOU WHAT?! SHIT!" He had hit his head on the bottom of the table. "My head, un!"

**I bet Kakuzu shoots dust with how old he is.**

"I actually want to see that," said Sasori. " _Can_ you shoot dust?"

"No." He said simply. "Just because I'm do doesn't mean anything."

Hidan shuddered and began to cry out in pain shortly after. Sasori looked at him. "Why'd you shudder?"

"I just imagined him doing a cumshot. Gross."

**Itachi has long ass hair and someone could grab it on a mission. Shouldn't we have a rule for us to h** **ave short hair so we don't get grabbed.**

"Itachi has had long hair for quite some time," said Pain. "So far that hasn't been a problem. As long it isn't in the way, we're fine. Besides, Deidara has long hair too and his dumb ass is fine."

"Who you callin' dumb!" yelled Deidara from under the table.

**I saw Kakuzu suckin' dick!**

"And?" Everyone stared at Kakuzu in shock. That old bastard still had game?

"Uh really?" said Kisame. "You still...?"

"He almost broke me too. Deidara's bed as well." Sasori practically purred.

"WHAT?!" screeched Deidara and Hidan only for both to whimper in pain.

"Well that's something." said Zetsu.

"Stay off Deidara's bed." said Pain.

"You better not be fucking on my bed!" said Hidan before wincing.

"Can't. Too lumpy." shrugged Kakuzu.

"You just wait until I can get up!" yelled Hidan. "You know it was lumpy because you too tried to fuck on my bed you morons!"

"I think that's enough for today." said Pain. "Off you all go. Wheel Hidan outta here and give Deidara a beating."

"WHY?!"

"You're trying to steal asses."


	8. Chapter 8

"How was that beating, Deidara?" Itachi smirked at the man. Deidara was laying on his stomach on a cart just like Hidan was. He began to get up only to cry out in pain and flop back down.

"I'll show you a beating!" He growled as he rubbed his ass. Even that didn't help him. It made the pain spring right back out.

"It'll be a while before that happens," Sasori laughed.

"Pain won't be reading so it'll be me now," said Konan. "Try to concentrate, idiots."

"Good that bastard isn't here!" Hidan sighed with relief. Hopefully Konan wouldn't dish out any punishments like that bastard! Now he could give those assholes a piece of his mind without the threat of a beating from the orange headed fool.

1) Itachi looks like a woman. Is he even a man?

"Duh," said Itachi. "I've always been a man."

"Those delicate eyelashes say otherwise," pointed out Tobi.

2) Whoever is stealing cookies better watch out. Instead of putting laxatives in them, next time it's poison.

"I mean it too!" said Sasori.

3) Kakuzu has a nice body. If he wasn't so mean, I'd smash!

"Deidara, I thought you liked Kisame," teased Saori smirking at his partner. Deidara glared at the red head. "What? You do."

"AND he also said he wanted his ass as well!" pointed out Zetsu. "Don't forget about that part! I bet he dreams of a threesome with those two."

"I'd rather snap my own neck," said Kakuzu. "You better not be obsessing over me as well."

"You'll know if your underwear goes missing," the puppet master smirked at the blonde missing nin.

"FUCK YOU!" He yelled before wincing in pain. "I don't want that old fart!"

"Speaking of fart..." began Konan.

4) Good Jashit! What the fuck is up with the smell from Kakuzu's ass when the old fart farts? It smells like spoiled milk, cranberries, shit, and rotten eggs! What's he been eating?

"Again with that word! I'll get whoever said that!" yelled Hidan.

"Farts smell, dumbass!" snapped Kazuku.

"But like spoiled milk?" Zetsu made a face. "Crap, no duh because it comes out your asshole. Makes sense for the rotten eggs. But cranberries? What are you a bird?

"Do you even fart?" asked Kisame.

"No shit. If you can't fart, something's wrong with you!"

"What do your's smell like anyways?" asked Hidan. "I bet it smells fucking nasty!"

"No shit, dumbass! I'll tell you one thing though, it doesn't smell like milk or cranberries."

"I can't help everyone's assholes smell like shit. Mine smells like a spring breeze." Hidan boasted. Itachi laughed causing the man to glare at him. "What are you laughing at, Weasel?"

"Hidan please. There's no way any part of you smells like a spring breeze!" This caused everyone to burst out laughing. Hidan glared at Deidara.

"SHUT IT SHIT STAINS!" He yelled at Deidara who stopped laughing. "If I could get up, I'd beat your ass!"

5) Hidan needs to be taught manners. I'm tired of that barn animal burping like a wild boar, scratching his ass, and farting like there's no tomorrow. Nasty piece of shit.

Hidan burped loudly. "Fight me."

Sasori walked over and slapped him on the ass. Hidan screamed for a solid minute before cursing like a sailor. The man laughed before sitting down. "I didn't write that, but it is true."

"Yeah. Have some manners!" The plant man slapped him on the ass.

6) Kisame drinks out the milk jug!

"Gross!" exclaimed Hidan.

"It's no grosser than scratching your ass!"

"Yes it is! I've seen you eat ass!" yelled Itachi pointing a finger at Kisame. Everyone stared at Kisame while a few people gagged.

"That's fucking nasty!" Hidan gagged. "I can't believe I drank ass milk!"

"I need to throw up!" Kakuzu hurried out of the room to throw up.

"Whose ass have you been eating?" Zetsu made a face.

"What does it matter?" said Deidara. "Shit's still shit!"

"A-are you spying on me?" Kisame asked Itachi.

"Maybe."

"..."

7) Someone needs to push that Hinata chick down some stairs.

"Leave her out of this!" said Kisame.

"I saw her yesterday after I ran away from Kakuzu's belt," Hidan smirked. "Them titties though. Do you titty...OW!"

Kisame had smacked him on the ass and continued to do so until Konan told him to stop.

8) I like the shape of Itachi's ass. I love staring at it when he bends over. Hot damn, I'd love to eat that ass! He needs to let me get in that.

"Again with the ass eating!" Kakuzu threw up his hands. What was so good about eating ass? He wasn't going to try it. It sounded disgusting.

"Deidara, I didn't know you ate ass," smirked Sasori.

"I don't! I don't want that fucker either!" growled Deidara. "I fucking hate him! I wouldn't fuck that idiot if you paid me!"

9) Konan needs to let all of us run a train on her.

"What the fuck?" Konan glared at Deidara. "I'm not letting someone who can't even wipe their own ass have sex with me. Besides, who do you think I am? Some whore? Kakuzu, beat his ass."

"With pleasure."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I-I-I was just playin'! No stop!" he begged. "I'm so sorry, un! Kakuzu, no please! I'm...OW! FUCK SHIT!"

Kakuzu began going at it right outside the door for a few seconds before telling him to shut up and dragged him off. Konan then went back to reading the list.

10) I'mma bet that batch the next time I seez her coming my way. I don't giv a fuk if she'z Kisame's girfrind. That batch steped on my toes! I'll knuck her tooths out.

"You stupid piece of shit!" Kisame stood up and slammed his hands down on the table. "I show you whose teeth'll be knocked out, you stupid bitch!"

Kisame then dragged Hidan out of the room by his feet. Nobody missed him. Konan told everyone to leave since there were too many missing from the table. Besides, she didn't want to miss out on seeing Deidara's ass getting beaten.


	9. Chapter 9

The next day everyone was back inside of the room with Deidara and Hidan laying on their carts. Itachi and Konan delivered hard slaps to Deidara's ass while Kisame did repeated ones to Hidan before sitting down. Deidara and Hidan hollered in pain long after the three left them alone only to stop after Kakuzu threatened to take them out for another beating. Deidara bit his lip as he sniffled while Hidan told him to shut up. The moment the miser pulled out the belt, one could hear his ass cheeks quivering.

"Stop that racket!" yelled Konan. Kakuzu slapped his behind making the priest's behind stop. "Thank you, Kakuzu. Now back to these complaints."

**1) Could someone shut up Hidan? I'm tired of hearing that voice talking about Jashit!**

"Again with that name!" grumbled Hidan. "I won't stop just like I won't stop beating on..."

"...your tiny little dick," interrupted Sasori smirking. Hidan glared at him. "What? It is tiny."

"Just like your pea brain!" He fired back. He then realized something about what he said. "Wait no, the only thing more...no, the only thing tiny here is your brain!"

"Too late, Mr. Tiny-Dick!" snickered Zetsu.

"You eat dick!"

"ENOUGH!" said Konan.

**2) Deidara has a juicy journal! This fucker is nasty! You should see all of the kinky shit he wants Kisame to do to him! Holy Cow! Dutch Oven after Kisame has a bowl of beans, blueberries, cherries, watermelon, and pineapple in that order. Then he wants Kisame to sit on his face and fart. He doesn't even care if a bit of wetness drips out.**

"LIES!"

"Oh just like how it was a lie you stole Kisame's underwear?" Itachi smirked. Deidara glared at him and began to say something when the Uchiha interrupted him. "Don't even deny it! We all saw it!"

"You need to get help if you want to smell someone's farts!" piped up Hidan.

"Don't even talk!" He yelled. "You can't spell!"

"He may not be able to spell, but at least he doesn't have a Kisame's farts fetish!"

Deidara tried coming up with something but he failed. The Uchiha nodded. "Yeah that's what I thought."

**3) I need to go on a mission so I'm going to write down everything I need to complain about.**

**Itachi- Hot ass breath**

**Sasori- Cold hands and stupid haircut. Did I forget to mention he smells like onions? Musty bastard!**

**Kakuzu- Cheap bastard. I can't survive off $200 per mission!**

**Tobi- Annoying piece of donkey shit**

**Kisame- Hot breath**

**Hidan- Stupid fucker didn't flush the toilet. HOT ASS BREATH THAT SMELLS LIKE ASS.**

Everyone instantly looked over at Deidara. "What?"

"My breath is hot, huh?" Itachi narrowed his eyes over at blonde man.

"My hair is just fine! I don't need to spend an hour getting it into the same style it was before!" said Sasori.

"$200 is enough!" said Kakuzu. "It's more than enough!"

"That's because Mr. Precious needs to stay in an expensive hotel!"

"How about I give you less then!"

"At least Tobi knows how to wipe!" piped up Tobi.

"I'll show you hot breath!" said an offended Kisame. He hit Deidara as hard as he could on his ass. Deidara screeched like a chimpanze for a minute before Kakuzu placed duct tape over his mouth.

**4) I like ass**

"We know that Deidara," said Kakuzu.

Deidara shouted in protest but was muffled.

" ** _We should come up with a nickname for this foo_ _l_** ," said Zetsu. "I think we should call him asswad."

"The King of Ass?" said Kisame. "No that sounds like we're praising him."

"How about Shit Stain Master because he doesn't know how to wipe!" said Sasori. Deidara glared at him but couldn't get out what he wanted to say.

"Sounds fitting to me," said Itachi.

"May as well," shrugged Kisame.

**5) Hidan needs to be murdered!**

"Geez!" said Kisame. "That's a bit harsh isn't it?"

"The hell?" Zetsu gave the shark man an amused look. "We're a bunch of criminals that kill people on a daily basis and you're saying murdered is harsh?"

"I mean yeah but uh...huh. I guess you're right. Murder away."

"You son of a...ow!" Hidan winced at the sharp pain in his ass.

**6) Hidan's ass smells like hot cheese that's been in the sun for hours.**

"Who the hell...Shit Stain Master I know you love ass, but now you're sniffing them? You're pathetic!" said Sasori. Again Deidara protested but nobody heard.

**7) I can't fucking stand Kakuzu's cheap ass! He needs to be fired out of a canon into a brick wall and replaced as treasurer. Give that bastard a different job! I'm tired of eating cheap shit on the road and I can't buy any of the shit I want! I know he has enough money to fork over for a 5 star hotel and at least a pound of caviar with a bottle of Chateau Lafite.**

"Who is this precious mother fucker asking for all that shit!?" raged Kakuzu. "Do you think we have enough money for your stupid rich tastes?! If I ever find out whoever wrote that, I'll beat their asses! You better crawl your precious ass to the bounty office and turn somebody in you little shit!"

"At least a pound?" qouted Kisame. "That's pretty damn expensive for a freakin' pound of that shit."

"I heard the wine costs even more," said Tobi.

"A 5 star hotel would be more likely to give us away," informed Itachi. "I beat it was Mr. Stains over there. He already spends hours in the bathroom."

"Probably more concerned about his looks than wiping his ass cheeks." laughed the red head. Everyone burst out laughing much to Deidara's embarrassment.

**8) I'm glad that bastard Orochimaru is gone. Hitting on _my_  piece of ass!**

"Deidara, you need help!" said Kakuzu. "What the fuck is all this ass talk about?"

**9) I'm the sexist bastard in all the Akatsuki! All these ugly bastards need wear a bag over their heads.**

"Whoever said that needs their asses beaten," said Zetsu.

"Why because you're ugly?" snickered Hidan.

"I don't know why you're laughing," pointed Itachi. "They're likely talking about your ugliness as well."

"How do you know if it wasn't me, fucker?"

"Because the person who wrote this can spell!" Konan smirked. Everyone laughed while Hidan cussed at everyone in the room while turning bright red.

**10) I cant stan that bassturd Kakuzu. He make me so made. I shood reep out hiz stitches an then reep out hiz harts and giv then to Jashin.**

"I wish the fuck you would!" With that Kakuzu slapped a hand on Hidan's ass. "I was going to go out on a bounty trip but I think I'll just stick around to beat the shit out of you instead! Then after I beat you, we're going back in that workbook and for every word you spell wrong, I'll beat you again!"

"You ain't doing shit!" The miser then wheeled away his cart and proceeded to beat up Hidan in the hallway.

**11) Deidara is a stupid piece of shit.**

"You're not wrong!" laughed Sasori.

12) I fucking hate Sasori and Deidara. Won't they shut the hell up about art already? They both fuckin' suck balls! Sasori just makes people into puppets and Deidara just blows shit up. That's not art! That's called being fucking lazy and being crazy! That's not art! And Deidara little clay shit ain't even good art! My jizz on tits is more artistic than the shit those bastards make!

"What fool said that!" said an offended Sasori.

"It is kinda lazy," said Tobi. "You just adding onto what's already existed. It's not very creative."

Deidara snickered causing his partner to glare at him. "What are you giggling at? You just blow shit up!"

Deidara gave a muffled response. Sasori ripped the tape off his mouth. "OW! THAT HURT YOU IDIOT! Anyways, I TOLD YOU YOUR ART SUCKS! I ACTUALLY MAKE GOOD SHIT!"

"Your 'art' is rather plain." said Itachi. "My brother could have done better when he was 2."

"You take that back," yelled Deidara.

"No."

"You mother..."

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go see a beating," said Itachi. He got up and went outside the door. A few seconds later Kakuzu came back and dragged Deidara outside the door.

"I guess I may as well put the rest off until tomorrow," Konan dismissed everyone and went to go view a nasty beating as she was still pissed away what Deidara said the last time.


	10. Chapter 10

Itachi was in the middle of reading the newspaper when he noticed a man wearing a camo trench coat, a matching hat, and a pair of groucho glasses. This was far too bizarre to ignore. Who was this idiot? He cleared his throat and shouted, "INTRUDER IN THE HI-..."

"HUSH SHUSH!" Hidan hissed at the Uchiha as he scrambled to place his hand over the man's mouth. Itachi took the man's hand off his mouth.

"Don't put your hands over my mouth," he said calmly. "I don't know where they've been."

"Shut the hell up, you little..."

"Oh Leader-sama...!" he called out.

"Sorry!" he apologized.

He looked the priest up and down. "Did you really think that would help you escape out of the hideout? Leader-sama's not an idiot. If anything, you're the fool."

"Joke's on you, Itachi," smirked the man. "Actually more on Deidara than anything. He's wearing the same thing and since I caused some chaos in this outfit, Deidara's more likely to get his ass caught!"

"And what makes you think I won't use this against you or just capture you myself?"

"Because I have dirt on you and Kisame," he smirked at the man. "So much dirt, you can make a complete statue of every single kage ever with enough left over to do whatever the hell you want with it."

"Yeah right," the Uchiha shook his head. "Prove it then."

"Nope!"

"Like you had any in the first place." He left the kitchen only for Kakuzu's hand to shoot out and grab Hidan a few seconds later.

"SNIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!" Hidan yelled as he was dragged past Itachi.

A few hours later, everyone was called back to the meeting room. Deidara was no longer in the room but Hidan was tied up to a chair cursing as usual. Pain came into the room and slammed down a box. This wasn't the usual box their complains had been inside of. This time it had all kinds of locks and seals on it. As soon as Pain sat down he explained himself.

"As you all can see, I've had to take some precautions," he tapped on the top of the box. "Somebody has sabotaged our complaints box."

"What?" said Konan. "Who would do that?"

Nearly everybody in the room rolled their eyes at this question. It was pretty obvious why most of the members would have a reason to steal all of the complaint cards considering it resulted in embarrassing other people, ended in beatings, and idiocy. Surely Konan wasn't that dense. Pain ignored his subordinates. "Some jackasses. Since this box is empty now, feel free to slide one of these cards into the slot."

He handed out a card to everyone. The cards were very much different than what the ones they usually have. The last cards just blank sheets of square cards with complaints on them. Now it had more features on it. It was now a sheet of paper with the members' names with small squares beside each name. Underneath the members' names were lines to write down their complaints. He explained that from now on whenever they had a complaint they wished to voice against a member, they would check one box for that member and then place the complaint for that member in the box with their name on it. They wouldn't have to worry about anybody taking them out since the boxes were now protected by jutsus and there were hidden cameras for the idiots that dared to try to break into the boxes.

"Now we can work on you all separately," said Pein. "Now we're all going to come back in a week and see how much about those complaints."

One week later, the they all met back inside of the meeting room. On the table were the boxes with everyone's name on them. Pein picked Deidara's box first and cleared his throat before reading off the first paper.

1) Deidara still doesn't know how to wipe his ass.

"As usual," Itachi rolled his eyes.

Deidara's fighting style is LAME.

I hate this fucker's hair. Somebody get this idiot some scissors.

"Cut my hair!" he glared at everyone at the same time. "I fucking daring you!"

"Your shit is stupid," said Hidan. "Cut it off."

"Fuck you! You're just mad that I'm getting bad bitches with it!" he flipped his hair.

"HA!" laughed Kisame.

Deidara slept with Mei.

"WHAT?!" screeched Kisame as he stood up and slammed his hands on the table as he glared straight at the blonde man. Deidara was confused.

"Who the hell is Mei?"

"There's even a picture here." Pein showed him a picture of Mei and Deidara having sex. This caused Kisame to nearly jump over the table to kill Deidara however Kakuzu managed to stop him.

"I take back what I said before!" Hidan looked impressed. "You banged a hotty. Damn!"

"But I didn't!" he then realized this could raise his credit in the organization. He smirked. "I mean I didn't recently considering the missions I've been on."

"Wait so Kisame's been banging two women!" Zetsu gasped. "Shit man."

"I'LL KILL YOU! LET ME GO, KAKUZU!" He struggled against the man. "That's my woman you piece of shit!"

Deidara is a total man whore.

Again, like before, there were pictures. Each picture had Deidara with his arm around various girls or being intimate with various girls. One of them happened to be of the Hinata cupping her breasts while wearing nothing but a blue bra with little sharks on them and had a school girl skirt. Kisame went ballistic at this and charged at the man. Deidara took off running. 5 minutes later, they heard a lot girly scream. Everyone rushed out to see the ass beating.


End file.
